His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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