you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Randomize
