Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Are we still banned from the library?
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
