Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
