Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
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