you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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