We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
