Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
