Sry I called you an 8
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
