i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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