I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
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