I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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