the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
