Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
