Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
