Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
