this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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