apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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