Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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