Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
