and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
