I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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