I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Randomize
