I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
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