I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
