she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
