You can't motorboat a personality
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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