she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
