My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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