I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
