don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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