I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Houston, we have a squirter
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
