Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
