So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
