How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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