Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
