Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
this hospital has no fireball
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Randomize
