Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Randomize
