My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
