Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
