I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
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