I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
