I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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