dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
grandma shit on top of the toilet
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
