just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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