I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
