Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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