So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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