why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
