Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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