My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Randomize
